


the rise and fall of your chest

by sunbeamsky



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Grief/Mourning, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25523875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunbeamsky/pseuds/sunbeamsky
Summary: Pope can’t sleep alone anymore. More specifically, he can’t sleep without JJ.
Relationships: Pope Heyward/JJ Maybank, background Pope Heyward/Kiara Carrera
Comments: 2
Kudos: 102





	the rise and fall of your chest

Pope can’t sleep alone anymore. More specifically, he can’t sleep without JJ.

It all starts the night of the shipwreck. JJ is in a rage, screaming and thrashing and ready to pummel Shoupe’s face in. Until Heyward pulls JJ into his arms and then JJ is trembling and mumbling whispers and won’t let go of Heyward or Pope’s mom. Pope is consumed by his devastation and latches on to Kie with every muscle in his body. She’s falling apart in his arms and he can’t let go, can’t have her even a foot away from himself at a time like this.

Eventually, though, Kie’s dad is tugging her away and she flits from Pope to her parents, still sobbing and trying to find her breath. Pope wants to reach out or beg her to stay but he can’t find the words. Instead, he falls into his mother’s arms and she leads him to the car. When Pope manages to get himself buckled in, he finally realizes that JJ is sitting in the backseat beside him.

JJ is hunched over, arms hugging at his sides. He looks up only towards Heyward’s side mirror, as if to see if the older man is looking at him. Pope knows that his dad can give JJ a hard time—and has, on multiple occasions, asked Pope to make new friends—but his dad has also asked about JJ’s dad, asks if he should send some fish home with JJ after they close up shop for the night. He knows his dad cares, but he worries JJ doesn’t.

Pope reaches out in the dark to hold JJ’s hand in his own. It’s a bit smaller, a lot rougher skin, and the rings dig into his flesh. But JJ’s grip is tight and Pope can hear him crying still. So he doesn’t let go the entire car ride home. 

Neither of his parents offer to drive JJ home—home to Luke’s. When they pull into the driveway JJ looks up at Pope with wide eyes, confused. 

“It’s too late to drive out into this storm again. You just stay with us tonight, JJ,” Heyward explains and opens up JJ’s car door, motioning with his arm for JJ to get out. JJ doesn’t move and he still hasn’t let go of Pope’s hand. “It’s alright, son.”

Pope sees the effect his dad has on JJ, how JJ seems to catch his breath when Heyward calls him ‘son.’ None if it goes unnoticed by Pope, but he’s too exhausted and devastated to know how to help. He wants to comfort JJ but he just keeps picturing John B chocking in salt water, reaching out for Sarah as he falls to the bottom of the ocean in a whirlpool of sinking ship water. 

Heyward puts a hand on JJ and then helps him out of the car. Pope’s mom is already in the house and Pope trails slowly behind his dad, who has JJ tucked under his arm. Pope isn’t sure if he’s still crying or not. It’s too dark and the rain is too loud. Heyward clicks the keys and the ringing of the car’s locks startle Pope. He jumps but nobody notices. 

Pope’s mom is fixing up a bed on Pope’s floor and brings in two mugs of tea—even though Pope thinks JJ has probably never had tea in his life. Heyward finally lets JJ go and the boy is temporarily hidden in the bathroom. Pope rests against his mom’s chest on the bed, her fingers rubbing circles around his back as he gradually evens out his breath. She kisses his forehead and then gives JJ a kiss on the forehead too when he comes back from the bathroom. It makes him flush and there are still tear tracks on his cheeks.

“You come wake us up if you need anything at all, okay baby?” Pope nods. “You too, JJ. If you can’t sleep you just come right in and wake me up.” JJ is too lost to respond with words but he shrugs his shoulders slightly and it is enough to convince her that he heard. She closes the door behind herself when she leaves.

JJ starts out on the floor. He’s acting far too timid for Pope’s liking, not like JJ at all. JJ is the opposite of timid. But Pope sees him tucked under the blanket on the floor, wiping the snot from under his nose with his wrist and all Pope can think about is John B. Drowning was supposedly one of those deaths with the most suffering. It wouldn’t have been quick. John B probably had to watch Sarah die too.

“Hey, JJ?” Pope asks, his voice small and high. He’s scared and no matter how hard he squeezes his eyes shut or pries them open, John B’s face is etched into his vision. 

“Yeah?”

“I don’t want to be alone right now.” Pope’s voice breaks halfway through and he’s crying. JJ slides under the sheets beside him and Pope is sobbing. JJ wraps his arms around Pope and Pope let’s himself curl into JJ’s side. He can barely breath because the sobs are overpowering his body and the only thing keeping him from passing out is the rapid thumping of JJ’s heart beat under his ear. Pope cries for a very long time. He can’t tell if JJ is crying too or not. 

It takes hour, but eventually Pope falls asleep wrapped in JJ’s arms.

* * *

When he wakes up the next morning, he is alone. Which is probably for the best because he’s sweaty and he has to pee so badly he’s about to explode. Pope stumbles out of bed and doesn’t remember until he’s halfway through his pee that John B is dead. It doesn’t feel as shocking as it had the night before. But it hurts even worse in the daylight. 

JJ is sitting at the kitchen table beside his dad, stiff as a board and jaw tight. Heyward is reading a newspaper but looks up as soon as Pope enters the room. He brushes the sleep from his eyes and throws two pieces of bread into the toaster. 

“Did you sleep okay?” Heyward asks. 

“As good as I could’ve.” Pope looks to JJ to find he’s already looking at Pope. Abruptly and instantly, JJ looks down to his uneaten eggs and prods at them with his fork. 

Heyward folds the paper closed and sets it down in the center of the table—for Pope to read if he’d like. 

“You eat, son. At least a few bites,” he tells JJ, firmly and with enough of a bite that JJ shoves a forkful of egg into his mouth. “Pope, you don’t need to come into work today. JJ, you are going to stay here again tonight, alright?” JJ nods in agreement and makes a show to shove even more eggs into his mouth. Heyward just nods, content, and leaves to get ready for work. 

Pope doesn’t think JJ is chewing, because he coughs and gulps down some water to try and get the eggs down. The toaster dings and Pope collects his toast, slathering the pieces with butter and sliding into Heyward’s seat. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been allowed to stay home from work before,” Pope says after he’s chewed his first bite. JJ hasn’t tried to eat any more of the eggs since Heyward left but he also doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to get up. He makes no visible response to Pope’s comment, nor does he look Pope in the eyes. 

So Pope eats the rest of his breakfast in silence and decides to read the headlines, hoping to distract himself from the image of John B’s face in his mind. 

JJ sits at the table all morning, picking at the eggs until they’re totally cold. Pope has already cleaned up, taken a shower, and changed in clothes when he heads back downstairs and finds JJ sitting in the exact same position hours later. JJ isn’t crying, he’s not speaking, and Pope worries for a moment that maybe he isn’t breathing. 

But JJ’s chest is rising and falling. 

Pope cautiously approaches JJ and takes the plate away from him, gently tugging the fork from JJ’s grasp. He places the dishes in the sink and JJ is still sitting at the table with his palm open from where Pope manhandled him. His eyes are staring out across the room but they’re hazy and distant and it’s scaring Pope. If Kie were here she would know what to do. 

Pope puts a hand on JJ’s shoulder. JJ doesn’t flinch but he doesn’t lean into the touch at all. As if he couldn’t even feel it. 

“Okay,” Pope reassures them both, putting his other arm on JJ’s forearm and brings JJ to his feet. “It’s okay.” He leads JJ to the couch and sets him down against the end so he can rest on the arm. Pope turns on the tv and then goes back into the kitchen to load up JJ’s dishes. When he comes back into the living room JJ hasn’t moved again.

Pope sits down beside him.

JJ is gone all day, staring off into space while Pope watches tv, while he tries to read a book. Pope tries to get him to eat lunch but he won’t. He tries to get him to speak but he won’t. Pope tries everything he can think of but he’s grieving too and he’s never known how to comfort people. 

Pope’s mom is home from work first and she carries a takeout pizza into the kitchen. She never lets them order pizza, except on special occasions—this occasion doesn’t feel very special. 

“Baby, how are you?” she asks Pope when he meets her by the door, carrying the pizza in for her as she tosses her keys into the trinket dish. 

“He’s not doing okay, Mama,” Pope says immediately, hushed but loud enough that she won’t be able to miss it. Her face falls. 

“It’s okay if you’re not doing okay either.”

“That’s not what I mean. I’m sad but JJ like can’t move. He won’t eat or speak or even get up to pee. I don’t know what to do.”

She gave his cheek a kiss and ran her fingers gently down the side of his face. 

“I’m sure you’ve been a good friend. I’ll see what I can do,” she promised. “You eat, okay? I’ll bring JJ in when he’s ready.”

“Thanks, Mama.”

“I love you, Pope.”

“Love you too.”

Pope wants to bring his pizza back into the living room but he wonders if JJ might feel more comfortable without him the room. JJ had been very comfortable with his mom the night before and Pope knew how shy JJ could get when it came his emotions. Pope didn’t get it. He did, to an extent—the abusive father and absent mother—but Pope had always felt comfortable with showing his vulnerability. He wasn’t scared to let people help him the way JJ was. 

Pope is on his second slice when his mom and JJ enter the kitchen. JJ still looks lost but he sits down and Pope’s mom puts a slice of pizza on a plate and sets it down in front of him. 

“I’ll get you some water, sweetheart.” JJ won’t meet Pope’s eyes and it’s so scary that Pope could almost scream. He’s a zombie and his hands are glued to his lap, won’t go near the pizza. 

Pope’s mom sits in the chair beside them and looks over to Pope, looking a bit overwhelmed but mostly concerned. 

“Have you heard from Kiara?” she asks. Pope swallows his last bite and shakes his head. 

“I texted her a few times but they never went through. I’ll see her after work tomorrow though.”

“Are you up for it?” she asks, eyes glancing from Pope to JJ and then back to Pope. 

“I have to go to work. If I’m not going to find another scholarship—” he stops before he can finish his thought because it’s the first time all day he doesn’t see John B’s face and it scares him almost as much as the corpse of his best friend sitting across the table. How could he even think about his scholarship at a time like this? 

“JJ, honey, you can stay here again tonight, if you want to,” Pope’s mom suggests, her voice softening when she speaks to JJ. Pope grabs a third piece because he feels sick and he wants to keep eating to try and put a new taste in his mouth. 

“Did you let your dad know where you are? I can call him if you’d like.”

JJ’s entire body jerks and he shifts his gaze onto Pope’s mom and he looks horrified. He shakes his head but doesn’t speak. Pope is worried, extremely worried, that JJ may have forgotten how to speak. 

“He’s probably worried about you.”

JJ shakes his head and his eyes are wet and he hasn’t even pretending to seem interested in the food. 

“Mom,” Pope interjects when she opens her mouth to speak again. He just shakes his head, silently telling her not to push. 

“Do you want me to fix you something else?” she asks instead, looking down at the uneaten pizza. JJ shakes his head, eyes falling down to his lip and Pope really feels helpless. He can see his mom starting to get frustrated—more emotional a bit scared, but frustrated still. Pope is frustrated too. Worried more. This isn’t JJ. 

“You need to eat something, JJ. Even if it’s just a few bites.”

JJ doesn’t eat, at least not for a while. Pope tells his mom about their day, in very few words but out loud and happy to escape some of the quiet for a moment. He asks about her work shift because he is in desperate need of a distraction and eventually JJ takes two bites of the pizza. It’s enough for Pope’s mom to ruffle his hair cautiously and then she and Pope clean up all the dishes. 

“Why don’t you and JJ go up to your room so that I can have a talk with your father,” she suggests—tells—Pope when the garage door is humming and Heyward is getting home from work. Pope gets it; they’re going to talk about John B and what to do, probably talk about JJ. Pope is still surprised they’ve taken such interest in him the past two days. His parents and living and warm but they’ve never been a fan of JJ’s. 

“Okay,” Pope agrees, guiding JJ from his chair by holding his wrist. JJ doesn’t protest and follows Pope up to his bedroom. 

JJ sits on the bed. Pope tries to talk to him but gives up quickly and pulls out a book and tries to read. He can’t read while JJ is looking like that, acting like that. But he can’t do anything so he sits down on the bed beside JJ and tires to read again. JJ lets Pope weave their fingers together. 

They sit like that for a while. JJ leans his head on Pope’s shoulder and Pope gets a few chapters further in his book. He waits for JJ to make some sort of noise or shift positions but he never does. Pope’s legs feel like they’re bound to fall asleep but he doesn’t want to move since JJ is leaning to heavily against him. It’s uncomfortable but Pope hopes it’s helping JJ. He tries not to think about John B. 

There’s a knock at the door. It’s Heyward, Pope knows his dad’s knock. 

“Boys?” he asks, opening the door and he and Pope’s mom both step inside. JJ sits up but his hand in still in Pope’s. 

“We just came to say good night,” Pope’s mom says. Her eyes fall onto their hands and she gives them a smile. Heyward lingers in the doorway but she reaches out to kiss the top of Pope’s head. She looks at JJ for a minute but he’s staring at the ground so she takes a step back into the doorway. “Tomorrow we have some things to discuss, but for now you two should get some sleep.”

“Come get us if you need something,” Heyward adds. Pope nods and sets his book on the nightstand, letting go of JJ’s hand in the process. The day went by so slowly but so quickly too. Pope feels like he just woke up. He wonders if the day was long for JJ too, or if it’s just been a big, fuzzy blur. 

Pope finds some clothes in his closet for JJ to wear to bed and brushes his teeth. JJ doesn’t brush his teeth but when Pope returns to the bedroom JJ is laying under the covers with Pope’s pajamas on. This time he didn’t even bother to try the makeshift floor bed. 

Hesitantly, because he has no idea how to approach JJ right now, Pope climbs into the bed beside him. It’s really too hot for them to be under the covers but it feels safer that way. Pope wants to reach out and pull JJ against his chest, but JJ has his arm out stretched for Pope to lay under his arm like he had the night before. Pope really wants to hold JJ right now, but that’s not what JJ is asking for so he sets his head on JJ’s chest and lets his friend wrap his arms around him. 

“Tomorrow is a new day,” Pope whispers, knowing how cringey and cliche the words sound—it’s the only thing he can’t think to say. He listens to JJ’s heartbeat and it’s the only reminder that his friend is still alive. JJ falls asleep quickly, breath evening out slowly and deeply. Only once JJ has fallen asleep can Pope.

* * *

The next day it’s like the switch has been flipped and JJ is alive again. Or awake again. As if for an entire day JJ has been sleepwalking and suddenly he had woken up. 

Pope woke up alone. Again. But when he entered the kitchen, JJ was laughing and eating normal-sized spoonfuls of cereal. Heyward was reading the paper—as he did every morning—and gave Pope a big look when he entered the room. A can-you-believe-it look that Pope knows is about JJ. His mom looks a little bit more concerned but she fills up a mug from the kettle for him and he sticks two pieces of bread into the toaster. 

“Feeling better today?” Pope asks, sitting between his dad and JJ. 

“Much,” JJ grins. Pope can’t tell if it’s fake. JJ is a good liar. 

“We have something important to talk to you boys about,” Pope’s mom announces, taking the finished toast out of the toaster for Pope. He thanks her when she sets them down on his plate. Heyward folds the newspaper and sits up straighter in his chair. 

“We were thinking,” Heyward began, looking over to Pope’s mom for support. She nodded, sitting down across from Pope. “That maybe you could stay with us a little while, JJ.”

That wasn’t what Pope was expecting to hear. 

“Like a few days or something?” JJ asked confusedly, spiking more cereal into this mouth. Pope’s mom shook her head.

“Longer than that, sweetheart.”

JJ shifted his attention to Pope. As if Pope understood or could explain. 

“We can fit another twin bed in Pope’s room and you could start working at the shop if you’d like,” Heyward continued.

“I don’t understand.”

Pope thought he was starting to. And the more he understood the more anxious he felt about how JJ was going to react. 

“I called your dad,” Pope’s mom said, as if that was all the explanation needed. JJ’s face turned to stone and Pope sat up straighter. 

“We would really like you to stay with us for the time being, son.”

JJ was frowning, cold and guarded, and then Pope watched him plaster the fakest smile he had ever seen right on top of it. 

“Thanks for the offer...”

“JJ—”

“...really. But I’m perfectly fine at home and I don’t want to impose and...”

“JJ,” Heyward exclaimed, louder this time and firm. It the voice he used when Pope did something stupid. It was a tone nobody wanted to mess with. It softened when JJ stopped talking though. “We can’t force you to come live with us. But you can’t be disrespecting us like that. No bullshit. I know your father, you know that?”

JJ shook his head. Pope knew his dad had gone to school with JJ’s back in the day. But Pope also knew that Heyward didn’t know for absolutely certain that Luke hit his kid. Pope has only found out when JJ admitted to him at midsummers. And maybe he had broken and told his mom. But he had made her swear not to tell Heyward. 

She wasn’t meeting Pope’s eyes and it was enough to give it all away. 

“I know it must be scary...”

JJ was shifting around his weight in his seat and Pope could tell he was building up his walls, setting his guard. It was a truly valiant attempt—especially considering the bruise still shining on his face. 

“...to think about getting taken away from your dad. That’s not what we’re trying to do here. Not unless we absolutely need to.”

He was getting too harsh and Pope’s mom stepped in. 

“You can stay with us for as long as you want,” she offered, far more warmly than Heyward had. “You’ll be eighteen in two years and you can even stay with us until then if you want to. But, honey, it’s up to you.”

“It’s not—” Heyward started before she interrupted him again.

“It’s up to you, JJ. But it would make us very happy if you stayed here with us.”

JJ opened his mouth but no sounds came out. He looked to Pope, walls all the way up but a glisten in his eyes dared to betray him. 

“I...” JJ muttered, not able to say anything else. 

“You don’t need to give us an answer right now,” she reassured him. Pope could see his dad wasn’t too happy that she had made this into a choice for JJ. Pope could barely process what was going on. But the moment he heard the idea he wanted JJ to say yes. He couldn’t stop thinking about John B and the Phantom and it was JJ’s dad’s boat. 

“I’ll think about it.”

“Wonderful!”

* * *

“So what are you thinking?” Pope asks that night as they’re settling into bed. JJ is back on the floor and Pope feels the extra space in his bed a little too much. 

“I don’t know,” JJ answers, tugging the blanket so it covers his shoulders and stops just below his chin. Pope can’t imagine he’s actually cold right now. 

“I think it’s a great idea.”

“You do?”

“For sure. I mean, you can get away from your dad and we could hang out all the time.”

“You’d be like my brother or something?”

“Well, not legally or genetically. And we’re already sort of brothers.”

“I guess.” JJ doesn’t sound convince and Pope feels a but offended. JJ constantly called John B is brother. Pope tries to shoo the image of John B out of his head—JJ was proving to be a really good distraction from it. 

“Sorry to push,” Pope sighs, seeing the way JJ’s face scrunches up and he holds a little tighter onto the blanket. 

“Don’t apologize, Pope.”

“I know life is already fucked up enough right now.”

JJ nods but he keeps his eyes flat as if he’s trying really hard not to show any emotion at all. It only makes Pope feel sadder. He really wishes Kiara was here. She hadn’t met up with him after work after all—understandably, since she was grieving two of her closest friends—but Pope still needed her. He really needed her help with JJ, even more than helping himself. 

Pope was processing, at least—JJ was very much not. 

“I know he’s not like, father of the year or shit. But he loves me.”

Pope wanted to argue but it wasn’t his place. 

“Last time I saw him, he told me he was sorry.” It was hard to hear what JJ was saying and see his face so cold. “Said he loved me.”

Luke Maybank doesn’t know love. Pope knows love. Love is far, far on the opposite side of the world as Luke Maybank’s parenting. But it’s JJ’s dad and their friend is dead and Pope can’t rip JJ away from all the people he loves—Pope hates how much JJ loves Luke.

Pope collects himself. Pushes aside the image of John B drowning. Thinks about JJ. 

“Love isn’t always enough.”

It was a bold thing to say and Pope has no idea how JJ is going to react. At first, JJ doesn’t react at all. And then he just nods ands bites down on his nail. He chews at his and digs his other hand into the blanket. Pope wants to reach out but JJ has positioned himself on the opposite end of the air mattress so he’s as far away from Pope as possible. 

At least, that’s what it feels like.

“You deserve better than him.”

Pope means it. He really fucking means it. 

JJ lets go of the blanket and pulls his nail out from between his teeth. He’s sitting up and Pope scoots toward the wall, making space for JJ to get into the bed. 

JJ does.

This time doesn’t wrap his arms around Pope. He lays on his side and Pope mirrors him so they’re laying face to face. JJ is really close. 

“You deserve to be loved,” Pope adds, voice quiet and a bit nervous but it sounds a lot more confident than he thought possible. He really means it though. 

He doesn’t realize how much he means it until JJ’s pressing his lips against Pope’s. It a fast and unexpected kiss so their lips fumble and JJ’s pulling away before Pope can even really process that it’s happened. JJ looks horrified but he doesn’t leave the bed. He just stars at Pope with wide, blue eyes that shimmer under a gate of unshed tears. 

“I’m sorry.”

Pope shakes his head. JJ shouldn’t be sorry for that. 

“I didn’t mean to do that.”

“What did you mean to do?”

JJ shrugs and Pope knows JJ well enough to know he’s not even trying to lie well. He wants Pope to see through it. 

“You’re with Kie and this is weird and your parents want me to live here and John B is dead and I don’t know what to do.”

JJ’s falling apart. In a better way than he has so far. He isn’t silent and he’s not a stone and he might actually be processing his feelings finally. Pope wraps his arms around JJ and pulls him to his chest the way JJ had the past few nights. JJ melts against his touch. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

JJ is crying now and Pope doesn’t want to talk about the kiss. He can’t talk about it because he hasn’t talked to Kie in days and he had to do that before he can let himself feel what that kiss made him feel. But he can’t ignore JJ until he talks to Kie. And JJ is currently crying against his chest and the world really is falling apart and their best friend is dead. 

“It’s okay,” Pope says instead. “It’s okay.” 

JJ falls asleep first. Pope can’t fall asleep until JJ is asleep. He might never be able to again.

**Author's Note:**

> finally posting some of my tumblr ramblings.


End file.
